but he doesn't deserve it...

'Instead of waiting for him to earn your respect, behave respectfully and watch him grow into the man God designed him to be. '

This is the blog many of you have been waiting for. Some of you have thought about it and some have even asked if I was going to write it.

There are men that are easy to respect. Men that we want to honor. Men that are kind, thoughtful, loving and patient. Men that serve and take care of their family. If you are married to one of these men you are truly a blessed woman.

But what about the the man who is rude, arrogant, harsh, demeaning, or hurtful, are we supposed to respect him? What about the abuser, be it verbally, emotionally, or physically, are we supposed to respect him?

The answer to all of these is, yes!

Let me suggest a few ideas.

Ephesians 5:33 clearly states,
"Husbands must love their wives and wives must respect their husbands. "
It says we MUST respect our husbands. This is not conditionally based on something he has or has not done. We must respect him whether he deserves it or not. Christ's love and grace for us is not based on us deserving it. If that were the case, none of us would have it.

Matthew 6:14&15 says,

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

Men deserve our grace when they mess up, just as Christ so freely offers it to us when we mess up.

Apart from the average situation, there can be extreme circumstances. Maybe you have a husband who doesn't show love to you, doesn't protect you or cherish you. However, understand that Jesus gave without mutual gain, too. That path is not an easy one. Please know that I am praying for you. I am seeking the face of our heavenly father on your behalf. I pray that He fills you with a remarkable gentle grace as you face everyday struggles, resentment, and in some cases injustice. Know that our God sees all!

Job 36:15&16a tells us,

"But those who suffer, he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction. He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction..."

This scripture is so comforting, to think that He is calling out to us in our pain, and ready to free us from it. Please know that you are not alone.

(*That being said, there are situations that call for removal from a relationship and professional intervention. Someone who is physically harming you, does not have your best interest at heart. Please seek help! *)

One other point to consider, is to take a good look at yourself. That's right, you! Look closely at the reasons you believe he doesn't deserve your respect. Has he really done something harmful or is he simply not living up to the standards that you have put on him? Are you upset because 'he doesn't listen to you' or is it because he is not doing what you told him or want him to do? It's easy to start pointing the finger as to all the things he is doing wrong, when really we need to look within ourselves. I know for me, when I take a pause and do this, my attitude towards my husband quickly changes. When I look at my faults, instead of his the picture is much more clear. I know that regardless of how I am being treated or what I think he deserves, I am not responsible for his actions towards me. I am responsible for how I respond. I will give an account one day for my actions and my words.

Hebrews 4:13 says,

"Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare the eyes of whom we must give account."

If we have a consistent walk with Christ, it will be much easier to respond appropriately even when it is not deserved. If we guard our heart, we won't have to watch our mouth.

"It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others."

-Sidney J. Harris

Body Language



“The utmost form of respect is to give sincerely of your presence.” 
-Mollie Marti

Can we be disrespectful if we aren't saying anything?

Absolutely!

 

Statistics show that roughly 55% of what we say is non-verbal, 38% is the tone we use and only 7% is the actual spoken word. I don't know about you, but that amazes me! More than half of what we say is communicated by our non-verbals!

 

We had non-verbals before we had speech, it was our first language. We were not born with the ability to speak. Our care takers had to become students of reading our non-verbal cues. As we developed and were able to speak, it became easier for them to understand our needs. At the same time, the significance of non-verbals remained the same.

 

Growing up, the disprespect of talking back to our parents or other adults was strictly forbidden. Fortunately, I have an older sister to learn from and got a front row seat to the one time she tried it. I mastered the skill of showing my displeasure through my non-verbals, particularly in my teenage years. Wheather it was an eye roll, crossing my arms, a raised eye brow or my stance; I spoke, without speaking.  

 

Early in my marriage when there was a disagreement, I would refuse to speak. I did this, not because I was trying to help the situtation, but because I don't like conflict with my husband. The easiest response for me is to shut down. However, there were times I did it because I realized how much 'power' it gave me. My husband is a problem solver and wants to immediately fix everything. I am a stuffer and like to process things in my own timing. I soon realized how not speaking, was my biggest weapon in our arguements. I did not see it then as being disrespectful, because I was not saying anything. It was not until I was older that I realized the truth. Nearly seventeen years later, I still fight the urge to shut down. I want to be respectful and so I push myself to have conversations I would otherwise avoid. 

 

Non-verbals are expressed through our gestures, posture, touch, space and facial expressions. We can say one thing and yet our non-verbals communicate something completly different. Here are a few examples: 





Crossed arms can convey an attitude of being closed minded, irritated, impatient, or bored.

Eye rolling is disprespectful and demonstrates that you think what the other person is saying has no value.

Your stance is a key to how you communicate. It can easily depict anger, frustration, or impatience.



Sometimes refusing to speak or ignoring the other person is just as disrespectful as what you say.

Gestures can be helpful or harmful. They say everything without saying anything.

These are just a few of the many examples that show how our non-verbals affect what we say.

 

Let's be cognizant of our body language when we are speaking to our husbands or other men, so that we are not guilty of being disresprectful.

 

 

“Where body language conflicts with the words that are being said, the body language will usually be the more 'truthful' in the sense of revealing true feelings.”   - Glen Wilson



Love and Respect

Husbands must love their wives

 and wives must respect their husbands.  

Ephesians 5:23

Shortly after I began my blog, my pastor from our church, Dr. Benji Kelley, began the series 'Love and Respect'. It is a spin off from Dr Emerson Eggerich's well known series.

The series gives details into the reasons a man needs to be respected by his wife and how he in turn loves her back. And how the wife needs love and she in turn respects him.

 

He needs respect!

 

She needs love!

So much of what he speaks about directly alines to what I have been writing about and plan to write about in the future. I thought it fitting to include this series as a part of my blog.

Click the links below for Parts 1 and Part 2 of this four part series and watch as Dr. Kelley takes a very humorous and real look into the marriage relationship.


newhope church Love and Respect part1

newhope church Love and Respect Part 2

Affirmations

Pleasant words are a honeycomb,

sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. 

Proverbs 16:24

This month, we will gather with family and friends around the Thanksgiving table, to celebrate with hearts of gratitude for all that we have been blessed with. Unfortunately, the holidays can also be stressful and busy, which is why it is also an important time to let others know how much we appreciate them. After all, who doesn't like to be encouraged or appreciated?  So, I thought what better way to start getting in the spirit of gratitude than by practicing on our spouse or loved ones?

 I have compiled a list of 55 affirmations to help get the process started.


1. I respect you.

2. I believe in you!

3. I trust you.

4. I am proud of you.

5. I admire you.

6. I appreciate all that you do for our family.

7. I am glad I married you.

8. I missed you.

9. I love you!

10. I love how you love others.

11. I value your leadership in our home.

12. I will go wherever you lead.

13. I value you.

14. I love how you serve others.

15. You are a good man.

16. I accept you unconditionally.

17. You make me a better person.

18. You are my best friend.

19. I love your drive and passion.

20. Our children are blessed to have you as their father.

21. You are a godly father.

22. You work so hard.

23. You are an awesome man of God.

24. You are dependable.

25. You were right. I was wrong.

26. I feel safe with you.

27. You are my man!

28. I love you just the way you are.

29. You are so smart.

30. You make me laugh/smile.

31. You are strong.

32. You are considerate.

33. I will always stand by your side.

34. I want to grow old with you.

35. You have great character.

36. Being your wife is an honor.

37. I am better because of you.

38. You inspire me.

39. I love your ideas!

40. I desire you.

41. It is fun being with you.

42. You are thoughtful.

43. You are unselfish.

44. I have learned a lot from you.

45. You are a rock.

46. There is no one like you.

47. You are a man of conviction.

48. You are a man of action.

49. I will honor you.

50. You will always have my heart.

51. It is an honor to stand next to you.

52. You are a man of integrity.

53. Thank you for __________!

54. I am praying for you.

55. You mean the world to me.


Every man is different. The same phrase may not have the same impact or meaning for every person; nor will their response to affirmation be the same.
Regardless, every man has in innate desire to be appreciated.
The point is to search for what it is that triggers that sense of appreciation and respect that they deserve. 

If affirming your spouse is not something you regularly practice, be patient and just try it. It may seem difficult at first. If it does not come easily, maybe you need to look deeper and be sure your heart is in the right place. Pray about it first! Focus on his positives, say them in your head first, then out loud, until they become a reality!

It's your turn, make your own list. Take 5-10 minutes and write down as many positive things that you can think of about your loved one. Now go and tell him!
(Not all at once of course, you don't want to freak him out.)

Summing it all up, friends,

I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds and mediating on things

 true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious-

the best, not the worst;

the beautiful, not the ugly;

things to praise, not things to curse.

Philippians 4:8 (MSG)

Say This... Not That...

"Careful words make for a careful life;

careless talk may ruin everything."

Proverbs 13:3 (MSG)

I thought it would be fun to do a video blog (a 'vlog', as my oldest son informed me it was called) to cover the topic: 'Say this..., Not that...". I asked my husband to join me on the video as well, and he kindly agreed.

We would love to have you join us as we talk about some practical ways to rephrase our speech, so that it is honoring to each other.  We are working on our 17th year of marriage and wanted to share some ideas for better communication that we have learned along the way.

We also discuss the important fact that the tone in which we say something is just as important as what we say.

I hope you enjoy watching it, as much as we had fun making it. When you are done, please feel free to share ideas that you have from your own experience on better ways to communicate.

Thanks for watching!

It's a Matter of Life or Death

"...But the human tongue is a beast that few can master.

It strains constantly to break out of its cage, and if it is not tamed,

it will turn wild and cause you grief."     -Robert Greene

 

In June 1974, a healthy baby boy was born and welcomed into the lives of two loving parents and a big sister. They were elated to have a son to add to their growing family.  It wasn't long before they began to notice some subtle differences in his development compared to that of other children. He seemed just a little bit behind the "average" child.  Within a few years the gap between him and other children his age became a little more pronounced. He was soon receiving special schooling for speech and learning.

 

He was a fully functioning child, full of life and joy and getting into mischief like most little boys do. He entered grade school in a private Christian school, in a normal classroom, and received some special assistance to learn certain academic concepts. 

 

As he entered his later elementary years, other children began to take notice of the differences between themselves and the boy.  As a result, he would get teased because he did not learn the same way as they did. The boy continued to be good natured and kind.

 

Upon entering the middle school years things began to intensify. Not only was he being teased verbally, it became physical. He was shoved into lockers, pushed around, and ultimately locked in the closet of an unused module on campus for several hours. When he was finally found his face was stained with blood spots from hours of crying and screaming for help.

 

In high school he really found his groove and group of friends to connect with; but unfortunately the bullying continued. However, four years later he received his diploma, just like everyone else. His parents and family were so proud of his accomplishments and his willingness to work twice as hard as others to be able to graduate with his class.

 

College was not a good fit for him, so he began working full time. He was an extremely hard worker. He always went above and beyond what was required of him and did it with a smile on his face. While his bosses appreciated his work ethic there were coworkers who did not appreciate him and would find ways to make his life difficult.

 

A few years later he met a girl and the two began dating. They eventually married and had a son. His amazing work ethic continued as he strove to care for his family. It wasn't an easy task as his wife did not work and was limited in what she could do at home. So he did whatever it took to make ends meet by working multiple jobs, and even giving plasma to earn a few dollars. This also meant missing the public bus ride back to his apartment at night; and having to walk home several miles in the dead of winter, with holes in the soles of his shoes. Regardless of the odds stacked against him, he was determined not to fail.

 

Even with all his efforts to provide for his family, it was not enough. The love, support and encouragement was not there from the one who had vowed their life to him as well as some others.

It was never enough! He could never live up to the expectations that were there, no matter how hard he tried. He was beaten down verbally, emotionally and mentally to the point that he finally had enough.

 

 On December 17th, 2007 at the age of 33, he took a rope and put an end to his life.

In the note that he left, it stated, "I cannot take [it] anymore".

 

That baby boy born in 1974, and man who took his life 33 years later, was my big brother.

 

Mocked and ridiculed his entire life; at school, at work, and in his marriage, he was completely and utterly broken. He had given all he had, but it was not enough. On the outside he seemed fine. He still smiled, he still gave great hugs, and he still did his very best at work, yet on the inside he was empty. Tragically, he allowed his value and worth to be determined by the few that did not understand him, instead of the many who loved him.

 

If you think for a moment that your words don't matter and the words that we allow our children to speak to others don't matter; you are DEAD wrong! EACH and EVERY word matters!

 

 

Proverbs 18: 21a " The tongue has the power of life and death..."

Proverbs 12:18a "Reckless words pierce like a sword..."



 

 

My brother's death has awakened me to the fact that we cannot speak carelessly to others, but particularly men. We must honor them, respect them, support them, encourage them, and love them.

 

I am happy to know that my brother no longer has to face the rejection of this world.  He is wrapped in the loving arms of Jesus each day. He gets to know a love and acceptance that he never experienced in this earthly life. I hope and pray that no one else will have to deal with grief like we did, because people were careless with their words. Make the choice today and choose words that give life!

 

 

Dedicated in memory of my big brother.

May your death not be in vain

but an opportunity for others

to live right.

 



 

What If...?

What if....

 

What if there was one thing that we could do;

one small, simple thing, that

had the power to affect the future for the better?

 

 

What if I told you there is something?

 

 

The truth is, there is something we can do, something so small and tangible yet often overlooked.

 

The answer is: valuing the power of our words!

 

Think for a moment:

          

             What if all boys (children) were raised in homes with supportive and encouraging mothers (parents)?

          What if all men were respected and honored by their wives?

 

What would the implications be on the next generation?

 

Would it affect the men that boys develop into, both at work and in their homes? What about divorce? What about bullying? What about crime rates in youth and adults alike? What about suicide? Would those things be affected if boys were raised in enviroments that value their words? What if, as men, they were adored by their wives; would that make a difference?

 

Consider the idea of what happens when a boy is raised in a home that is loving, and secure, encouraging, where he is treated in a respectful manner, where he is assured that his opinion matters; where he is NOT ridiculed, dismissed, ignored, or disrespected. I tend to believe that he will most likely turn out to be a man that is kind, understanding, and leads his home well. He will also know how to love his wife better and in turn, when loved she will willingly respect him. (There is always an exception where certain circumstances are unrelated to how a child was raised.)

 

Just today I was at the store in the check out line.  The man in front of me was purchasing an item for his wife. As he was checking out he said to the cashier,
"I don't know why I'm even getting this, I'm sure she won't like it." To which the cashier replied, " Why is that?" He said, "Because there is an unwritten rule in our house that when I try to do something for her, it will always be wrong."

So many men have been conditioned to believe that their efforts will not matter and that they will always be wrong, so why even try. This kind of thought process is everywhere. Pay attention next time you are out and about or at work. See if you don't pick up on this perception. We must change this!

I am not talking about  "over praising" our sons or even husbands for things that don't matter. I am talking about encouraging them in things that help shape and build their character. But I will address this topic more in a future article.

 

Our words are shaping the future both for us and others everywhere!

The great thing is, we have the power to choose how we use them.

We cannot underestimate the value of this responsibility!
 

So join with me, let's start changing the next generation and repairing the current one that is so badly damaged.

 

 

"Words provide a voice to our deepest feelings. I tell you, words have started and stopped wars. Words have built and lost fortunes. Words have saved and taken lives. Words have won and lost great kingdoms."        -Camron Wright

What do you think? Do you think the way we speak to the boys or men in our lives  impacts the future?

Please feel free to comment below and let me know your thoughts.

 

 

 



 

 



 

 



Be Accountable

"Words are instruments, they are tools that, in their different ways,

are as effective as any sharp edge or violate chemical. 

They are, like coins, items of great value,

but they represent a currency that, well spent, returns ever greater riches."

-Tim Radford

 
Imagine with me for a moment that someone followed you around for an entire day recording every word you spoke. At the end of the day the recording was played back to you.

Would you be okay with what you hear? Would there be cringe moments or  moments that you are actually embarrassed or ashamed to hear?

I know for me, it might even depend on the day. The truth is, some days are easier than others. Regardless of how our day is going or how we are feeling, we are still responsible for words spoken or the tone with which they were said. The person receiving the words will take them to heart either way.

Just last week I was at an event with my husband. A friend of ours who was there, was eager to introduce us to his parents who were visiting from out of town. As the conversation progressed my husband shared with them how glad he was that their son had become so involved in our church; all the great things he was doing and how exciting it was that he had recently been baptized. His mother responded critically, " Well, we never thought it would be him that would be drawn to a church, we always thought it would be his brother. Guess we were wrong." To which his father added in the same tone, "That was his third baptism, how many times does someone need to get baptized in their life?"  I was immediately heart broken for our friend. He was visibly deflated and obviously hurt. By disrespecting their son in front of his pastor they sadly missed an opportunity to encourage him in his walk with Christ and affirm him.

Later that evening while speaking with a different couple, the wife began belittling her husband for 'always forgetting to do something... and how she doesn't understand why he can't ever figure it out?' Even though she was saying it with a smile on her face, it does not negate the fact that she was ridiculing her husband publicly. The husband did not verbally respond, but you could see he was bothered by her words.

Both of these incidences were in public settings. However, even if they had been spoken privately, the hurt would still exist. 

What happens inside of a male when he is spoken to in that way?
It depends on the man's personality. He could quickly respond unkindly, say nothing and keep it inside, or fall somewhere in between. Regardless of his response I guarantee you one thing, it bothers him!  No man ever wants to feel humiliated or disrespected in any setting.

We must refuse to speak words carelessly. We need to really listen to what is coming out of our mouths and be sensitive to how it is received. We need to own our words! We need to be accountable for them! We need to be grace-filled in keeping others accountable for their speech when it is dishonoring.

I have learned that when I am aware of my words and how they are being said, I am able to hear the words or tones that come out disrespectfully. Sometimes it catches me off guard, and I think, 'Wow! That is not at all how I meant to say that!' Whether it be to my children or to my husband. The reality is I did, and it is in that moment of awareness I have the opportunity to apologize and quickly restore the relationship.

Many times as I begin my day I simply pray:
 

" May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, [today] O Lord my Rock and my Redeemer." 

Psalm 19:14 (NIV)

I encourage you to do the same. There are certain times I need to pray the verse more than once throughout the day and you may need to as well. That's okay! Simply having an awareness of our words will result in showing more honor and love to the men in our lives.

Words are powerful; take them seriously!

Jesus said, " 'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.'

Matthew 22:37-39 (MSG)

For quite sometime now, God has impressed upon my heart the need to write a blog. A blog with a very specific purpose.  To encourage woman of all ages and all walks to honor the men in their life. This is your husband, your brother, your father, your son, your friend or someone with which you work. Honoring them begins with how we as females not only speak to them but how we speak about them.

In today's society men are disrespected, criticized and degraded in both large group settings or even over a simple cup of coffee. Not only is it acceptable to do this, it is also encouraged through television, movies and other forms of media. Men are often portrayed as nothing more than lazy, inferior, worthless beings incapable of doing anything the 'right' way.  Unfortunately, this dishonoring behavior is becoming more common place even among Christian women.

It is my desire to help correct the misconceived, inaccurate views and blatant disregard of men based on what God's word teaches us as truth. Our speech generally reflects our heart and shows our true character.

 Matthew 12:34b-36 says: "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man [person] brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that men will have to give an account on the day of judgement for every careless word they have spoken. "

Words are powerful; take them seriously!