Say This... Not That...

"Careful words make for a careful life;

careless talk may ruin everything."

Proverbs 13:3 (MSG)

I thought it would be fun to do a video blog (a 'vlog', as my oldest son informed me it was called) to cover the topic: 'Say this..., Not that...". I asked my husband to join me on the video as well, and he kindly agreed.

We would love to have you join us as we talk about some practical ways to rephrase our speech, so that it is honoring to each other.  We are working on our 17th year of marriage and wanted to share some ideas for better communication that we have learned along the way.

We also discuss the important fact that the tone in which we say something is just as important as what we say.

I hope you enjoy watching it, as much as we had fun making it. When you are done, please feel free to share ideas that you have from your own experience on better ways to communicate.

Thanks for watching!

It's a Matter of Life or Death

"...But the human tongue is a beast that few can master.

It strains constantly to break out of its cage, and if it is not tamed,

it will turn wild and cause you grief."     -Robert Greene

 

In June 1974, a healthy baby boy was born and welcomed into the lives of two loving parents and a big sister. They were elated to have a son to add to their growing family.  It wasn't long before they began to notice some subtle differences in his development compared to that of other children. He seemed just a little bit behind the "average" child.  Within a few years the gap between him and other children his age became a little more pronounced. He was soon receiving special schooling for speech and learning.

 

He was a fully functioning child, full of life and joy and getting into mischief like most little boys do. He entered grade school in a private Christian school, in a normal classroom, and received some special assistance to learn certain academic concepts. 

 

As he entered his later elementary years, other children began to take notice of the differences between themselves and the boy.  As a result, he would get teased because he did not learn the same way as they did. The boy continued to be good natured and kind.

 

Upon entering the middle school years things began to intensify. Not only was he being teased verbally, it became physical. He was shoved into lockers, pushed around, and ultimately locked in the closet of an unused module on campus for several hours. When he was finally found his face was stained with blood spots from hours of crying and screaming for help.

 

In high school he really found his groove and group of friends to connect with; but unfortunately the bullying continued. However, four years later he received his diploma, just like everyone else. His parents and family were so proud of his accomplishments and his willingness to work twice as hard as others to be able to graduate with his class.

 

College was not a good fit for him, so he began working full time. He was an extremely hard worker. He always went above and beyond what was required of him and did it with a smile on his face. While his bosses appreciated his work ethic there were coworkers who did not appreciate him and would find ways to make his life difficult.

 

A few years later he met a girl and the two began dating. They eventually married and had a son. His amazing work ethic continued as he strove to care for his family. It wasn't an easy task as his wife did not work and was limited in what she could do at home. So he did whatever it took to make ends meet by working multiple jobs, and even giving plasma to earn a few dollars. This also meant missing the public bus ride back to his apartment at night; and having to walk home several miles in the dead of winter, with holes in the soles of his shoes. Regardless of the odds stacked against him, he was determined not to fail.

 

Even with all his efforts to provide for his family, it was not enough. The love, support and encouragement was not there from the one who had vowed their life to him as well as some others.

It was never enough! He could never live up to the expectations that were there, no matter how hard he tried. He was beaten down verbally, emotionally and mentally to the point that he finally had enough.

 

 On December 17th, 2007 at the age of 33, he took a rope and put an end to his life.

In the note that he left, it stated, "I cannot take [it] anymore".

 

That baby boy born in 1974, and man who took his life 33 years later, was my big brother.

 

Mocked and ridiculed his entire life; at school, at work, and in his marriage, he was completely and utterly broken. He had given all he had, but it was not enough. On the outside he seemed fine. He still smiled, he still gave great hugs, and he still did his very best at work, yet on the inside he was empty. Tragically, he allowed his value and worth to be determined by the few that did not understand him, instead of the many who loved him.

 

If you think for a moment that your words don't matter and the words that we allow our children to speak to others don't matter; you are DEAD wrong! EACH and EVERY word matters!

 

 

Proverbs 18: 21a " The tongue has the power of life and death..."

Proverbs 12:18a "Reckless words pierce like a sword..."



 

 

My brother's death has awakened me to the fact that we cannot speak carelessly to others, but particularly men. We must honor them, respect them, support them, encourage them, and love them.

 

I am happy to know that my brother no longer has to face the rejection of this world.  He is wrapped in the loving arms of Jesus each day. He gets to know a love and acceptance that he never experienced in this earthly life. I hope and pray that no one else will have to deal with grief like we did, because people were careless with their words. Make the choice today and choose words that give life!

 

 

Dedicated in memory of my big brother.

May your death not be in vain

but an opportunity for others

to live right.

 



 

What If...?

What if....

 

What if there was one thing that we could do;

one small, simple thing, that

had the power to affect the future for the better?

 

 

What if I told you there is something?

 

 

The truth is, there is something we can do, something so small and tangible yet often overlooked.

 

The answer is: valuing the power of our words!

 

Think for a moment:

          

             What if all boys (children) were raised in homes with supportive and encouraging mothers (parents)?

          What if all men were respected and honored by their wives?

 

What would the implications be on the next generation?

 

Would it affect the men that boys develop into, both at work and in their homes? What about divorce? What about bullying? What about crime rates in youth and adults alike? What about suicide? Would those things be affected if boys were raised in enviroments that value their words? What if, as men, they were adored by their wives; would that make a difference?

 

Consider the idea of what happens when a boy is raised in a home that is loving, and secure, encouraging, where he is treated in a respectful manner, where he is assured that his opinion matters; where he is NOT ridiculed, dismissed, ignored, or disrespected. I tend to believe that he will most likely turn out to be a man that is kind, understanding, and leads his home well. He will also know how to love his wife better and in turn, when loved she will willingly respect him. (There is always an exception where certain circumstances are unrelated to how a child was raised.)

 

Just today I was at the store in the check out line.  The man in front of me was purchasing an item for his wife. As he was checking out he said to the cashier,
"I don't know why I'm even getting this, I'm sure she won't like it." To which the cashier replied, " Why is that?" He said, "Because there is an unwritten rule in our house that when I try to do something for her, it will always be wrong."

So many men have been conditioned to believe that their efforts will not matter and that they will always be wrong, so why even try. This kind of thought process is everywhere. Pay attention next time you are out and about or at work. See if you don't pick up on this perception. We must change this!

I am not talking about  "over praising" our sons or even husbands for things that don't matter. I am talking about encouraging them in things that help shape and build their character. But I will address this topic more in a future article.

 

Our words are shaping the future both for us and others everywhere!

The great thing is, we have the power to choose how we use them.

We cannot underestimate the value of this responsibility!
 

So join with me, let's start changing the next generation and repairing the current one that is so badly damaged.

 

 

"Words provide a voice to our deepest feelings. I tell you, words have started and stopped wars. Words have built and lost fortunes. Words have saved and taken lives. Words have won and lost great kingdoms."        -Camron Wright

What do you think? Do you think the way we speak to the boys or men in our lives  impacts the future?

Please feel free to comment below and let me know your thoughts.

 

 

 



 

 



 

 



Be Accountable

"Words are instruments, they are tools that, in their different ways,

are as effective as any sharp edge or violate chemical. 

They are, like coins, items of great value,

but they represent a currency that, well spent, returns ever greater riches."

-Tim Radford

 
Imagine with me for a moment that someone followed you around for an entire day recording every word you spoke. At the end of the day the recording was played back to you.

Would you be okay with what you hear? Would there be cringe moments or  moments that you are actually embarrassed or ashamed to hear?

I know for me, it might even depend on the day. The truth is, some days are easier than others. Regardless of how our day is going or how we are feeling, we are still responsible for words spoken or the tone with which they were said. The person receiving the words will take them to heart either way.

Just last week I was at an event with my husband. A friend of ours who was there, was eager to introduce us to his parents who were visiting from out of town. As the conversation progressed my husband shared with them how glad he was that their son had become so involved in our church; all the great things he was doing and how exciting it was that he had recently been baptized. His mother responded critically, " Well, we never thought it would be him that would be drawn to a church, we always thought it would be his brother. Guess we were wrong." To which his father added in the same tone, "That was his third baptism, how many times does someone need to get baptized in their life?"  I was immediately heart broken for our friend. He was visibly deflated and obviously hurt. By disrespecting their son in front of his pastor they sadly missed an opportunity to encourage him in his walk with Christ and affirm him.

Later that evening while speaking with a different couple, the wife began belittling her husband for 'always forgetting to do something... and how she doesn't understand why he can't ever figure it out?' Even though she was saying it with a smile on her face, it does not negate the fact that she was ridiculing her husband publicly. The husband did not verbally respond, but you could see he was bothered by her words.

Both of these incidences were in public settings. However, even if they had been spoken privately, the hurt would still exist. 

What happens inside of a male when he is spoken to in that way?
It depends on the man's personality. He could quickly respond unkindly, say nothing and keep it inside, or fall somewhere in between. Regardless of his response I guarantee you one thing, it bothers him!  No man ever wants to feel humiliated or disrespected in any setting.

We must refuse to speak words carelessly. We need to really listen to what is coming out of our mouths and be sensitive to how it is received. We need to own our words! We need to be accountable for them! We need to be grace-filled in keeping others accountable for their speech when it is dishonoring.

I have learned that when I am aware of my words and how they are being said, I am able to hear the words or tones that come out disrespectfully. Sometimes it catches me off guard, and I think, 'Wow! That is not at all how I meant to say that!' Whether it be to my children or to my husband. The reality is I did, and it is in that moment of awareness I have the opportunity to apologize and quickly restore the relationship.

Many times as I begin my day I simply pray:
 

" May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, [today] O Lord my Rock and my Redeemer." 

Psalm 19:14 (NIV)

I encourage you to do the same. There are certain times I need to pray the verse more than once throughout the day and you may need to as well. That's okay! Simply having an awareness of our words will result in showing more honor and love to the men in our lives.

Words are powerful; take them seriously!

Jesus said, " 'Love the Lord your God with all your passion and prayer and intelligence.' This is the most important, the first on any list. But there is a second to set alongside it: 'Love others as well as you love yourself.'

Matthew 22:37-39 (MSG)

For quite sometime now, God has impressed upon my heart the need to write a blog. A blog with a very specific purpose.  To encourage woman of all ages and all walks to honor the men in their life. This is your husband, your brother, your father, your son, your friend or someone with which you work. Honoring them begins with how we as females not only speak to them but how we speak about them.

In today's society men are disrespected, criticized and degraded in both large group settings or even over a simple cup of coffee. Not only is it acceptable to do this, it is also encouraged through television, movies and other forms of media. Men are often portrayed as nothing more than lazy, inferior, worthless beings incapable of doing anything the 'right' way.  Unfortunately, this dishonoring behavior is becoming more common place even among Christian women.

It is my desire to help correct the misconceived, inaccurate views and blatant disregard of men based on what God's word teaches us as truth. Our speech generally reflects our heart and shows our true character.

 Matthew 12:34b-36 says: "For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man [person] brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that men will have to give an account on the day of judgement for every careless word they have spoken. "

Words are powerful; take them seriously!