Time is Up!

The 30 day Respect Challenge is officially over!

 

 

You have until February 15th, 2015 to share your experience of the challenge in the comment section on my blog (not facebook) for a chance to win a $20 gift card!

How did it go?!

Was it harder than you thought it would be? Was it easier than you thought it would be? Did your husband or those around you notice? Did it affect your relationship, good or maybe bad? Were you able to start catching yourself before you would say something disrespectful? Did you apologize if you messed up? What were some of the benefits of the challenge for you?

These are some helpful questions to get you thinking as you prepare to share.
There is no right or wrong answer. I think we can all learn something from each other.


I will go first.

The 30 Day Challenge was fun for me! I am a quietly competitive person, and I often compete with myself to get better at a task, or do something more effectively etc.. So, of course I translated that into the Respect Challenge. I would give myself mental check marks for every day I completed without being disrespectful or dishonoring. Then I would start seeing how many days I could string together. I did pretty good!
 I think the biggest benefit I noticed in this challenge was not my relationship with my husband, though it was good; but the relationship with my 14 year old.  When I started treating him more and more through the lens of a young man instead of a child, both in how I listened and responded to him, he opened up more, was more willing to listen in return as well as being more helpful around the house.
It was a great learning experience and one that I will continue to reflect on as my younger two start heading towards their teen years.

There you have it!

 

Now it's your turn.....

Have I Abused My Husband?

As we finish out this month, I thought I would share some interesting findings in the area of abuse by women toward men. When most people hear of domestic violence or abuse they automatically assume that the woman is the victim.

However, a 2012 national study by the CDC reported, "In the last 12 months more men than women were victims of physical violence and over 40% of severe physical violence was directed at men by women. Men were also more often the victim of psychological aggression and control..."

Wow! What does this say about our society?! As I dug further I found the problem is not just here in the United States. A 2010 study in the United Kingdom found that 40% of domestic violence cases there were against men. These are only the reported cases. Often times men do not report the abuse or seek the help that they need. It appears this has become a Westernized problem and is increasing at an exponential rate.

If asked if we have ever abused our husbands, most of us would probably immediately say, "no!". But let's look closer. It is important to remember that not all abuse is physical. There are many types of abuse: psychological, emotional, financial, spiritual, physical and verbal. We can be guilty of being verbally or emotionally abusive and potentially not even know it. Have you ever insulted, criticized, blamed, name-called, or threatend your spouse? All of the those things are considered abuse.

I found the following excerpt from Dr Stosny's blog on, Psychology Today, that articulates it well:

The path to this abusive behavior begins at the point where resentment starts to outweigh compassion.  Resentment makes you feel like a victim- it feels like someone else is controlling your thoughts, feelings and behavior- it comes with a built-in retaliation impulse. If you are resentful, you are probably in some way emotionally abusive to the people you love. You have devalued, demeaned, sought to control or maniputlate, and deliberately hurt the feelings of loved ones. But you've been so focused on what you don't like about their behavoir that you haven't noticed what you don't like about your own.

Ask yourself these questions:
 
 Do you make your husband feel like a failure as a provider, partner or parent?
 Do you feel like you have to tell him the same thing over and over and over?
 Does he tell you that you sometimes yell and scream or lash out at him?
 Do other people remark that you treat him badly?
 Do you automatically blame him when things go wrong?
 Do you resort to name-calling, swearing, or putting him down?
 Do you demean or belittle him in front of others or your children?
 Are you jealous and want to know where he is at all times?
 Would your family and friends be surprised to know how you treat him behind closed doors?

If you answered yes to any of the above, there is a pretty good chance that you are/or have been guilty of acting abusively to your husband. By doing so you are stiffiling the man that God created him to be, as well as hindering your marriage.   Everything we do as humans flows from our heart...EVERYTHING! Examine yourself: what is in your heart that is causing you to act this way? Are you mad at someone? Did someone hurt you long ago? Real change starts in the heart. These things need to be addressed with grace, forgiveness and healing.

Start today, it's not too late, make a change!

The mouth of the righteous is a fountain of life,

but violence overwhelms the mouth of the wicked.

The mouth of the righteous brings forth wisdom,

but a perverse tongue will be cut out.

Proverbs 10:11 & 31

 



We are more than half way through the 30-day challenge. We will finish up next week. Remember, you have until February 15th, to post your experiences in the comments section on my blog for a chance to win a $20 gift card!

So, how are you doing? Has it been harder or easier than you thought? Do you think your husband has noticed?

Respecting our Sons

Sons are a heritage from the Lord, children a reward from him.

Psalm 127:3

We have three incredible boys ages 14,10, and 9. We are at a point of gradual transition in the dynamics of our home. Our boys are not so little anymore and do not need Mommy's constant attention. They are watching their dad more and wanting to spend more time with him. They still adore me, but they are changing and clinging to the leadership that their dad is providing in our home. It is natural that the moments of them letting me pull them close are getting fewer and farther between, which is why I am so blessed and excited that they have such an amazing father to look up too.

As I have observed our sons growing and changing, I began to contemplate if the need for showing them respect is as important as it is for the need to show respect to their father. I questioned the idea,  how important is the dynamics between mother and child, (son in particular) in regards to who the son becomes as an adult?

In preparation for this blog, I set out on a mission to find the answer and began interviewing several men.  Some of the men have great relationships with their mothers, while others do not. Even though the men I interviewed come from very different backgrounds, many of their answers were strikingly similar. They all believed that their mother's influence had a direct impact into who they are today, good, bad or otherwise. Regardless of their relationship, the one thing that they all remember as the best thing their mothers ever told them was, "I'm proud of you!".  Now, granted some of these men never heard this until they were adults, but it is still what they remember.
None of them said, "The best thing was when she said she loved me". Is this not interesting!?  As I mentioned a few weeks ago, God has wired women to need love. But God has wired men to need respect, even by their mothers.

As I dropped my oldest son off for school this morning, I asked him the same question I had asked the other men, "What is the best thing I have ever said to you?" He thought for a moment and said, "When you tell me I am special".  I tell him I love him at least ten times a day, but he finds significance in the fact that I value him. He is a male, and age is not a factor.

It is our responsibility to set the stage and create environments in our home for respect. It is important not only to respect our husbands, but also our sons. The reason for this is two-fold. It shows them how to be respectful and respected. Our boys will see by our example what is the proper way men need to be treated.  They will not get this from the world.  They are the audience of disrespectful or respectful conversations, and they are taking notes. When they begin to form in their minds the idea of a proper relationship, I pray they will see what God intended and be drawn to a respectful female. Showing our sons respect is not about their obedience, it is about valuing them.

It is undeniable that there is nothing like a mother's love. At the same time, our sons are men-in-the-making, and they need respect to become masculine. Receiving respect is energizing to males from their earliest interactions. It motivates them to respond.

Let's add this to our challenge this month and test out the responses to our sons when we show them respect. Below I've listed just a few ideas on ways to show respect to your sons from all ages.

Since this blog is about our sons, I thought it would be fun to see what the 'word on the street' is over at Sesame Street.

 

 

 

Ideas to show respect to your sons:

1. Let him teach you something, and then thank him.

2. Tell him you respect him.

3. Listen to his ideas, and let him know you will really consider them.

4. Tell him you respect his opinion.

5. Respect his privacy.

6.Don't criticize him, especially in public.

7. Apologize to him when you mess up.

8.Be there, but don't be pushy.

9.Congratulate him when he excels.

10. Praise his good actions, be it picking up his room without being told, helping with a younger sibling, or holding the door for someone.

11. Tell him you're glad he's your son.

12. Tell him he's special.

13.Tell him what an important part of the family he is and why.

14. Tell him he will make a good husband and father someday.

15. Communicate, don't command.

16. Give him your full attention.

17. Make eye contact.

18. Tell him you believe in him.
19. Tell him you're proud of him.
20. Date him!

 

 

The Challenge

I find it fascinating that when we ask God to help us improve in a particular area, He doesn't automatically make us better in that area. Rather, He provides us opportunities to improve. If we pray for patience, we are not instantly more patient. Instead, we are given circumstances to practice our patience. Any mother with young children knows this well.  If we say Lord, "grow my faith", we don't find ourselves with more faith. Alternatively, the Lord will present us with challenges, as a way to grow our faith.

Even after I began writing this blog, which is clearly determined by God for me to do; it seems I have been faced more frequently with opportunities to "practice" being respectful, both to my husband and other men. Frankly, it is not always easy.  I certainly make mistakes, but I am committed to it, because I know it is how God designed relationships to work.

As we start this new year, many people have made resolutions.  The point of a resolution is to improve a particular area. It is a decision with determination. It shows purpose. If you have not made one, today is a great time to start. I want to invite you to take 30 days, alongside me and commit to being more respectful to your spouse. Let's purposely resolve to respond differently, to filter our thoughts before we speak them, and to affirm our spouse. There is no harm in answering the call to be respectful. The best part is, if you mess up, it is easy to fix. Apologize and keep trying. I guarantee that your spouse will notice. He may, or may not say anything, but he will definitely notice.

If you are unsure of where to start, feel free to reference my blog from November 4th, for 55 ideas on how to begin affirming your spouse. If you want to use that list and pick one thing to say, each day for 30 days, that would be awesome! The challenge will be unique for each person.

I would love to hear what the result is at the end of the 30 days. In fact, those who comment and share their results in the comments section below, by February 15th, will have their name entered into a drawing for a $20 gift card. I cannot wait to celebrate with you the results of honoring your spouse God's way! 

 

Therefore, as God's chosen people,

holy and dearly loved,

clothe yourselves with compassion,

 kindness, humility, gentleness,

and patience.

And over all these virtues

 put on love

 which binds them all together in perfect unity.

Colossians 3:12 &14

but he doesn't deserve it...

'Instead of waiting for him to earn your respect, behave respectfully and watch him grow into the man God designed him to be. '

This is the blog many of you have been waiting for. Some of you have thought about it and some have even asked if I was going to write it.

There are men that are easy to respect. Men that we want to honor. Men that are kind, thoughtful, loving and patient. Men that serve and take care of their family. If you are married to one of these men you are truly a blessed woman.

But what about the the man who is rude, arrogant, harsh, demeaning, or hurtful, are we supposed to respect him? What about the abuser, be it verbally, emotionally, or physically, are we supposed to respect him?

The answer to all of these is, yes!

Let me suggest a few ideas.

Ephesians 5:33 clearly states,
"Husbands must love their wives and wives must respect their husbands. "
It says we MUST respect our husbands. This is not conditionally based on something he has or has not done. We must respect him whether he deserves it or not. Christ's love and grace for us is not based on us deserving it. If that were the case, none of us would have it.

Matthew 6:14&15 says,

"For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."

Men deserve our grace when they mess up, just as Christ so freely offers it to us when we mess up.

Apart from the average situation, there can be extreme circumstances. Maybe you have a husband who doesn't show love to you, doesn't protect you or cherish you. However, understand that Jesus gave without mutual gain, too. That path is not an easy one. Please know that I am praying for you. I am seeking the face of our heavenly father on your behalf. I pray that He fills you with a remarkable gentle grace as you face everyday struggles, resentment, and in some cases injustice. Know that our God sees all!

Job 36:15&16a tells us,

"But those who suffer, he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction. He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction..."

This scripture is so comforting, to think that He is calling out to us in our pain, and ready to free us from it. Please know that you are not alone.

(*That being said, there are situations that call for removal from a relationship and professional intervention. Someone who is physically harming you, does not have your best interest at heart. Please seek help! *)

One other point to consider, is to take a good look at yourself. That's right, you! Look closely at the reasons you believe he doesn't deserve your respect. Has he really done something harmful or is he simply not living up to the standards that you have put on him? Are you upset because 'he doesn't listen to you' or is it because he is not doing what you told him or want him to do? It's easy to start pointing the finger as to all the things he is doing wrong, when really we need to look within ourselves. I know for me, when I take a pause and do this, my attitude towards my husband quickly changes. When I look at my faults, instead of his the picture is much more clear. I know that regardless of how I am being treated or what I think he deserves, I am not responsible for his actions towards me. I am responsible for how I respond. I will give an account one day for my actions and my words.

Hebrews 4:13 says,

"Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare the eyes of whom we must give account."

If we have a consistent walk with Christ, it will be much easier to respond appropriately even when it is not deserved. If we guard our heart, we won't have to watch our mouth.

"It's surprising how many persons go through life without ever recognizing that their feelings toward other people are largely determined by their feelings toward themselves, and if you're not comfortable within yourself, you can't be comfortable with others."

-Sidney J. Harris

Body Language



“The utmost form of respect is to give sincerely of your presence.” 
-Mollie Marti

Can we be disrespectful if we aren't saying anything?

Absolutely!

 

Statistics show that roughly 55% of what we say is non-verbal, 38% is the tone we use and only 7% is the actual spoken word. I don't know about you, but that amazes me! More than half of what we say is communicated by our non-verbals!

 

We had non-verbals before we had speech, it was our first language. We were not born with the ability to speak. Our care takers had to become students of reading our non-verbal cues. As we developed and were able to speak, it became easier for them to understand our needs. At the same time, the significance of non-verbals remained the same.

 

Growing up, the disprespect of talking back to our parents or other adults was strictly forbidden. Fortunately, I have an older sister to learn from and got a front row seat to the one time she tried it. I mastered the skill of showing my displeasure through my non-verbals, particularly in my teenage years. Wheather it was an eye roll, crossing my arms, a raised eye brow or my stance; I spoke, without speaking.  

 

Early in my marriage when there was a disagreement, I would refuse to speak. I did this, not because I was trying to help the situtation, but because I don't like conflict with my husband. The easiest response for me is to shut down. However, there were times I did it because I realized how much 'power' it gave me. My husband is a problem solver and wants to immediately fix everything. I am a stuffer and like to process things in my own timing. I soon realized how not speaking, was my biggest weapon in our arguements. I did not see it then as being disrespectful, because I was not saying anything. It was not until I was older that I realized the truth. Nearly seventeen years later, I still fight the urge to shut down. I want to be respectful and so I push myself to have conversations I would otherwise avoid. 

 

Non-verbals are expressed through our gestures, posture, touch, space and facial expressions. We can say one thing and yet our non-verbals communicate something completly different. Here are a few examples: 





Crossed arms can convey an attitude of being closed minded, irritated, impatient, or bored.

Eye rolling is disprespectful and demonstrates that you think what the other person is saying has no value.

Your stance is a key to how you communicate. It can easily depict anger, frustration, or impatience.



Sometimes refusing to speak or ignoring the other person is just as disrespectful as what you say.

Gestures can be helpful or harmful. They say everything without saying anything.

These are just a few of the many examples that show how our non-verbals affect what we say.

 

Let's be cognizant of our body language when we are speaking to our husbands or other men, so that we are not guilty of being disresprectful.

 

 

“Where body language conflicts with the words that are being said, the body language will usually be the more 'truthful' in the sense of revealing true feelings.”   - Glen Wilson



Love and Respect

Husbands must love their wives

 and wives must respect their husbands.  

Ephesians 5:23

Shortly after I began my blog, my pastor from our church, Dr. Benji Kelley, began the series 'Love and Respect'. It is a spin off from Dr Emerson Eggerich's well known series.

The series gives details into the reasons a man needs to be respected by his wife and how he in turn loves her back. And how the wife needs love and she in turn respects him.

 

He needs respect!

 

She needs love!

So much of what he speaks about directly alines to what I have been writing about and plan to write about in the future. I thought it fitting to include this series as a part of my blog.

Click the links below for Parts 1 and Part 2 of this four part series and watch as Dr. Kelley takes a very humorous and real look into the marriage relationship.


newhope church Love and Respect part1

newhope church Love and Respect Part 2